Fantasy Soccer Is Completely Silly (and yet quite fascinating)

The masthead and navigation for ESPN's Premier Fantasy soccer. (image source: espn)

At the beginning of this English Premier League season, my nephews talked me into joining them and a few of their friends in a fantasy league. My reputation as the world’s coolest uncle is set in stone, indisputable for time eternal, so I didn’t feel any pressure to agree. But I did so in the interest of shoddy journalism, despite my many misgivings. After all, as someone who wrote 160 stories last year (averaging around 1,500 words a piece), spending more time watching and thinking about soccer is probably not what I need in 2012. Besides, many already consider my life to be a fantasy, so why expand that into the world of fantasy sports leagues?

Halfway through the first half of the 2011/12 EPL season (that’s a quarter to you and me), something went awry in my digital relationship with ESPN, which was hosting our league. My account was froze and I was unable to log in. I could no longer make changes to my squad, despite having ample transfers left. Therefore, I had to suffer the loss of Sagna, Gallas, Young, and Hernandez due to injury, ultimately leaving me with only nine active players. Still I managed to finish 4th out of 6th in our group, which isn’t too shabby if all you’ve got in the fridge is a six-pack.

Real Men Draft
For the second half of the season, they wanted to conduct a draft, so that none of us would have the same players. Which made sense, because what it had come down to is everyone realizing who the hot players were and sticking with them. With a draft, though, we had to dig deeper, well past the fan favorites, to identify players that consistently produce. Naturally, we also had to adhere to the rules, such as only three players from any given club on your side. And, as each player has been assigned a salary figure by ESPN, we had to keep our squads within budget as well.

Fortunately for me, bitter skepticism and irreparable liver damage aren’t the only side effects of a career in marketing. I also developed a healthy appreciation for statistics and measurement, as one may have noticed with my perennial hard-on for things like Opta and the Castrol Index.

And given an entire day to prepare (as opposed to the nine hours I was given to get my initial squad together), I began by looking at the Castrol Index rankings of Premier League players. But then I realized that ESPN’s fantasy league isn’t necessarily based on the players actual performance on the field. There’s a specific set of criteria that provide points in the fantasy league. For example, defenders who score far outweigh defenders who actually defend. And a 3-4-3 formation tends to work best as it increases your probability for scoring points under ESPN’s system.

So, with this in mind, I identified the following targets – in order of preference – for when we sat down to do the draft:

STRIKERS (3 starters): Van Persie, Ba, Yakubu, Aguero, Rooney, Hernandez, Sturridge, Adebayor, Welbeck, Drogba, Balotelli, Bent, Suarez, & Dzeko.

MIDFIELDERS (4 starters & 1 sub): Dempsey, Nani, Lampard, Van der Vaart, Bale, Johnson, Ramiers, Silva, Arteta, Mata, Young, Toure, Kuyt, Eagles, Milner, Hoilett, Walcott, Song, Modric, & Meireles.

DEFENDERS (3 starters & 2 subs): Baines, Terry, Dawson, Assou-Ekotto, Skrtel, Kompany, Kaboul, Walker, Enrique, Johnson, Richards, Lescott, Jones, Vermaelen, Kolorov, Clichy, Agger, Ferdinand, Sagna, Evra, Ivanovic, Mertesacker, & Koscielny.

GOALKEEPERS (1 starter & 1 sub): Hart, Reina, Friedel, Krul, Sczcensy, Howard, & Lindegaard.

My plan was to pick a keeper first and then two strikers. I ended up with Hart, Rooney, and Yakubu. Then I went for a midfielder and got Van der Vaart. I opted to pick up my third striker, nabbing Chicharito (my one emotional choice…even though he’s been injured, I dig the kid). After that, I filled out my midfield with Arteta, Ramires (aka Benjamin Button), and Toure. Then it was time for defenders, with Dawson, Lescott, and Assou-Ekotto. Finally, I selected my subs – Kuyt in midfield, Jones and Sagna on defense (in fairness, Kuyt and Sagna were also emotional choices, not performance-based), and Sczcesny in goal. Not my ideal EPL side by any means, but a surprisingly solid squad.

Of course, since I wrote down the wrong value for some players, I was the one knucklehead who went over-budget. So I had to replace Sagna and Sczcesny from the scraps available, opting for Clark and Doni.

Ciaran Clark, incidentally, proved to be a big call. I chose him after he made that glorious goal in Aston Villa’s 3-1 FA Cup win over Bristol Rovers. Like Phil Jones, Clark often plays as a midfielder even though ESPN lists him as a defender. Theoretically that should increase the likelihood of them scoring, so we shall see.

My squad and its performance last weekend on ESPN Premier Fantasy. (image source: espn).

Boots In The Mud
Instead of being excited to see Tottenham take on Everton in the opening match, I found myself fretting over this damn fantasy shit. I knew there was a good chance that Dawson would start. And the buzz online was that Welbeck would get the nod ahead of Chicharito for Man United that weekend. So, I wondered, should I switch formations to 4-4-2 to add Dawson and drop Hernandez, ensuring that I get points for Dawson playing? But what if Chich comes on as a sub and scores? This wasn’t helping me enjoy the game, or watch more of it. It was only providing unnecessary anxiety.

And while watching games, I found myself rooting for individual players to score as opposed to rooting for a team, or the overall quality of play. I even caught myself hoping for certain players to suffer a season-ending injury simply because someone else picked them instead of me.

When Van Persie opened the scoring for Arsenal that Sunday against Swansea, I didn’t care because I didn’t have Van Persie. I had Arteta, who wasn’t even on the bench. And instead of being gutted by Arsenal’s performance, I was still livid that Yakubu got sent off against Fulham - out for three games and costing me two points in the process!

Then I had to disavow my only brother because he had selected Bendtner for his squad, clearly a sign of moral bankruptcy. Instead of enhancing my EPL experience, this was tarnishing it.

Is this what fantasy sports leagues are all about? Like hitting a woman, is this one of those ugly aspects of manhood I simply don’t understand? Do men really crave unnecessary aggravation in their lives? I just don’t get it.

The Upside Of Fantasy Football
Besides my brother and I, the rest of the cats in our fantasy league are kids – my nephews and their friends. Basically, it’s the high school select team we coach down at Chelsea Piers – The Balotelli’s – ranging in age from 14-17. Most live and breathe the game, but a few are more casual fans.

I was pleasantly surprised by some of their picks. Sure, the first round was dedicated to star strikers like Aguero, Rooney, and Van Persie – the goal machines. But even before all of the easy picks were made, these American teenagers were plucking up EPL players that aren’t even household names in England.

Some of their starting 11′s included Aston Villa’s Stephen Warnock and Richard Dunne; Bolton’s Chris Eagles (one of my favorite unsung players); QPR’s Luke Young and Adel Taarabt; Newcastle’s Danny Simpson and Yohan Cabaye; Norwich’s Russell Martin and Anthony Pilkington; Stoke’s Ryan Shawcross; Swansea’s Michel Vorm; Wigan’s Victor Moses; and Wolves Matthew Jarvis and Wayne Hennessey. All good players, and you will occasionally see them in highlights on the Fox Soccer Report, but I can assure you that none of these kids own their jerseys.

The breakdown of ESPN's scoring system for the fantasy league. (image source: espn)

Sophisticated Soccer Fans
I was perplexed. How did these kids know about these players? The first thing I checked were the leaders – the top scorers in ESPN’s EPL fantasy league. Perhaps they plucked them from these winning sides, following in their footsteps? No, they didn’t find these guys there. Instead, the leaders demonstrate why it was essential to have a draft. The top 10 teams have a handful of players in common (number of times appearing): Van Persie (9), Bale (9), Adebayor (8), Aguero (5), Silva (5), Rooney (4), Van der Vaart (4), and Nani (3).

I also noticed that it doesn’t really matter who your goalkeeper is (my first draft pick). Forget spending money and a draft pick to get the one who has allowed the fewest goals, or even who made the most saves or had the most clean sheets. Some of the keepers selected by the leaders aren’t even starters. To win ESPN fantasy football, the trick is to spend all your money on the league’s top scorers – including midfielders (who get more points when they score). Defenders are also secondary, though it always helps to pick ones that might score.

When pressed, it turns out that some of these kids actually do watch that much soccer. And even if you regularly watch the top five teams like I do, you still end up seeing them play all those other sides. A few admitted that, towards the last few rounds, when talent was scarce, they picked names that were familiar – a fairly safe bet as those names typically become familiar from match highlights.

Another factor is their fondness for FIFA 2012. Most of them have been playing the game for a few years now, so they are accustomed to thinking in terms of a complete squad and balancing the budget. Plus it’s a great way to learn about unsung players as EA Sports, which makes the game, also assigns each player performance points (and a value).

So the next time some windbag from across the pond starts yapping about the lack of sophistication among American soccer fans, tell them to have a gander at The Balotelli’s group on ESPN’s Premier League fantasy football. No, we won’t be among the leaders. It’s too easy to pick the top performers and simply play the system. Instead, these kids have dug deep into the heart and soul of the English Premier League to assemble surprisingly competitive squads. Maybe this fantasy stuff isn’t so silly after all.

PS – With Toure away for the African Cup of Nations and Yakubu on suspension, it looks like I’ll be switching to a 4-4-2. Though I’ll wait until Friday evening for news on the fitness of Arteta and Jones, as well as the likelihood of Hernandez and Kuyt getting significant time on the pitch. Ugh, who needs this extra anxiety?